Many toddlers go through a hitting phase. For some, it is brief and fizzles out on its own, but for other toddlers the behavior escalates or doesn’t stop, leaving parents more than just a bit frazzled.
Take this scenario for example:
You’re at playgroup and your 18 month old walks up to the toddler next to him. With little warning he gives him a good smack right on the forehead. You apologize, slightly awkwardly, for your child, and inwardly wonder what you’ll ever do to get him to stop hitting.
I’m guessing that, if you 
have kids, you’ve experienced something similar whether you were the parent of the child hitting or the parent of the child being hit. This bullying behavior can manifest itself in all sorts of behaviors including biting, pushing. Taking toys away from another child is also common, but, I believe happens for slightly different reasons than the other behaviors so I’ll save that one for another post.
So, you’ve come to terms with the fact that your child “bullies” other kids. Stay calm, it’s not the end of the world. Simply because a child goes through a hitting phase (which, by the way, is a perfectly normal stage) does not mean your kid is mean, and it does not mean your child will grow up to be a bully. Nevertheless, you do want to find healthy ways to discourage and stop these behaviors.
Here are some tips for turning a bad behavior into a better one:
1) Recognize the reason behind the behavior. There are a few main reasons why toddlers hit, push, or bite.
- Trying to communicate. Most toddlers don’t yet have the communication skills to express emotions including excitement, anger, and frustration. Some children express these emotions through behaviors that are seen by parents, caretakers, and their poor little peers as being agressive.
- Trying to initiate play. This plays off the reason listed above. Most toddlers do not yet have the communication or social skills to initiate play with a peer.
- Seeking attention. They could be seeking the attention of the peer they just hit or they might be seeking the attention of an adult. When do children and toddlers get the most concentrated attention? When they get in trouble. (<—If your child is a first or only child they may never experience this :))
- Experimenting with cause and effect. This is one of the ways children learn. “Hmm…what will happen if I hit Sam? (hit) Oh, he will cry.”
2) Deal appropriately with the behavior according to the reason for the behavior.
- Do not overreact! Do not yell, spank, or lecture the child. Parenting styles aside, if the child hit to seek attention, yelling and lecturing will only serve to reinforce the behavior. As for spanking; well, it’s kind of counter productive to hit a child in order to teach him not to hit.
- Redirect. In my opinion, redirection is one of the most effective parenting tactics when trying to eliminate this kind of behavior in toddlers. Redirection is all about getting to the child before the punch is thrown, the push is launched, or the teeth are sunk. When you see your toddler about to engage in one of these behaviors, point out a toy you think they’d like, or step in by verbally expressing what you think they are feeling (e.g., “you’re mad because you want the toy that Katie has”).
- Replace the negative behavior with a positive one. If you notice that the child is about to strike, or if the child has just hit, pushed, or bitten you can say something like, “We love our friends. We give them hugs.” have the child give a hug, a pat, or encourage them to do something gentle *Note: if your child is seeking attention through hitting, pushing, etc., this tactic might not work for you.* Make sure you praise and encourage them when they use these good behaviors.
- Time Out: This is a naughty word to some parents, and other might balk that I would suggest putting a toddler in timeout, but hear me out. If the reason behind the bullying behavior is attention seeking, then the quickest way to extinguish the behavior is to remove the child (momentarily) for all sources of attention. Find a quiet place away from everything where you can put a little chair or stepstool. When the child (toddler) hits, say in a very neutral voice, “you don’t hit”. Carry the child, facing away from you to the timeout place and sit them there. At this age you may find it is not even necessary to make them stay in the chair. For some children the act of being removed from the situation and being placed in the chair may be enough for them to get the message.
We found it necessary to utilize the Time Out method with my youngest. He started hitting his older brother for sport and thought it was a great game. All it took was about 5 days of consistently (consistency is KEY) using this method and the hitting stopped.
All kids are different, and what works well with some children may not work so well with others. Do you have any tips or advice to add? Perhaps, something other that what I mentioned worked well with your kids?
About Amy @ Oh So Savvy Mom
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